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The couple
sat under an awning in the café at the new port.
The old port, built in Roman times, lay nearby. Tiny
fishing boats nested behind the thick, ancient seawall,
which swept in a great curve beneath the village: a
clutch of houses, winding uphill in a racket of creeping,
narrow, scented streets. Behind them the men clustered
at the bar: fishermen, and workers on the ferries that
brought guests to the island from Naples and Positano.
They were listening to the Tour de France on the radio.
After holding back for most of the race, the Italian,
Cipollini, was making his bid. In front of them, the
ferry yawned and waited whitely.
Wed
heard the island was pretty, not too crowded. Afterwards
he spoke of it for
a long time, and always enthusiastically. I realized
he had fond memories of our time there.
They
arrived on a Sunday, fresh from the crossing. Immediately
the island enfolded them, both glaring and soft: a siren
calling to her lovers, drowning them in her blue skirts.
A mirror gathering light, reflecting it with unbearable
intensity. Don't worry about a thing, he told her. You're
on an island in the middle of the Mediterranean.
To
reach the house we had to climb up a steep road for
about twenty minutes. A great heat and light bore down
on us. We hugged the faded pink walls, trying to keep
within the narrow strips of shade. A lunchtime babble
of televisions and clatter of dishes came out of the
shuttered windows. Colored curtains moved softly in
doorways. The street was deserted, intimate. We could
sense the villagers eating, talking or sleeping just
beyond the walls. We looked out onto rolling olive groves,
and fields blotted by the dazzle of light. Mimosa and
hibiscus glowed in clusters. The sea curling and singing
below.
The
village was composed of faded yellow, rose, ochre houses;
cool corners; silent, battered cats; laundry swaying
on lines. In the hot afternoons old men in berets came
out on the square, sat under the oleanders with their
pipes. The street to the house where they rented a room
was long, narrow, sunbaked. It ran between walls hung
with weeds. Which threaded the air with a multiplicity
of scents.
We
ate our morning cornetti on a bench in the bright square,
then had coffee in the bar. It was while shopping for
our picnic in the little supermarket that my stomach
began to clench. I was in a hurry to reach the sea:
to give myself to the powerful water. We climbed down
the hundred steps cut into the cliff, and stayed in
the rocky cove all day. During the morning some boats
came, and went. We swam, looking at the schools of fish
flying in formation along the shining waterways. The
underworld was cool, green and restful. Tiny birds played
on the cliff above us, loosening a rain of pebbles.
I listened to them shrieking.
All
the restaurants in the village had outdoor grills. At
the end of the day, the islanders cooked the wonderful
great fish they had hauled off the boats an hour earlier.
In the old port, gnarled men sat in the cool of the
evening, carefully folding their thin red nets.
He
touched me last night. I wasnt expecting it. Just
outside our window, a little tree whispered silkily
in the night winds. He came quickly. Immediately afterward
he dropped away. With haste I swallowed myself in sleep.
After
nightfall they sat for a while on a bench in the square,
smoking. Myriad children of all sizes ran madly, systematically,
in the yellow lamplight. The older people strolled,
or drank at one of the three cafés. On a bench
opposite, a little boy and a little girl sat quietly
side by side. He clutched a huge silver revolver, she
a huge blond Barbie doll. With obvious desire they watched
the other children playing. They were paralyzed.
On
this tiny strip of pebbly shore an ancient face is carved
into the cliff just above my head. A few feet away,
fish fly lazily over submerged mountains. Water pours
itself over the rocks, climbs the steps dug into stone.
There she sits on a nearby rock, sunning herself: lithe
and golden. I am aware of his gaze on her. I make myself
look at him. He has become thick in the waist, is missing
some hair; I have stretch marks on my thighs, and I
am afraid. I fight the sun all day. I try to keep the
future from coming my way: from showing up and smashing
everything. I emerge finally at the other end of the
long afternoon: riddled with dread.
During
the Fascist regime the island was used as a prison.
Military police patrolled every inch of its shores.
In the historical museum they saw a diagram of the guards'
movements: formations of paranoid little lines combing
the clifftops, back and forth, over and over. Did the
locals hate the prison? she asked. Probably all worked
as screws, he said. He was looking at one of the visitors.
She was short, with long wavy dark hair. He could not,
it seemed, take his eyes off her.
We
sat on the wall for a while and looked at the stars,
or tried to, it seemed impossible to really see the
sky, which was all velvet, overflowing with patterns,
and all around us the crickets, trees rustling, innumerable
herbs releasing their scents onto the wind. Fig trees,
cactuses, morning glories, pines, apricots, lizards.
I both dreaded and longed for bed: for the possibility
of contact no longer being withheld. He slept. I touched
myself under the sheets, quietly and in shame.
They
went down to the village for dinner. The restaurant
was busy with new arrivals. A few feet away, several
luxury boats lay docked, lapping in the night water.
The summer people were out in force. They sat in the
wind, under the stars, and drank white wine. She wanted
him to talk to her. He resisted her, successfully.
Later
in the night I found her letter. It was the kind I longed
to write him. In the dream I hoarded it, battled to
read it all the way through before waking up. But I
was doomed. In horror and fascination I discovered him
as a man capable of inspiring, and receiving, and keeping
such a letter: it was joyous, promising, passionate,
bewitching.
She
watched him watch the woman at a nearby table. She was
lithe, with wavy dark hair. When she turned to look
over her shoulder her smile was serene: that of a queen,
sure of her power. She drew all eyes to herself. She
really lays it on, he said. You shouldnt look
so much at other women when Im around, she said
tightly. He smiled. She knew that from now on she would
watch all the women on the island: trying to catch sight
of this one again, and wondering, was he looking for
her also?
In
the afternoon we walked back through the perfume of
weeds, into the house, where we fell sleep. When we
woke up nothing had changed. I forced myself to wait.
After a while, he decided in my favor. He began to caress
me. I didnt like it. Then I got excited. I felt
sick.
Ever
since she had begun to read the letter she believed
every word of it. It filled her days with the novel,
indelible magic of dispossession. She couldnt
see how she had lived until now, not knowing the letter
existed. She couldnt stop reading it.
I am afraid of everything: the cliffs, the holes, the
vivid water. He is self-contained. His willpower crushes
me. I have watched him so carefully since I first found
out. My stomach is in a vise. I eat to calm my loneliness.
I have been noticing all the weeds and touching them.
They are papery, silky, scratchy, sweet.
On
their last night on the island they ate at the quiet
restaurant near the old port. The black cat appeared:
silent, grim, huge. He stared at her gravely, demanding
propitiation. Delicately as an old man he took the fish
head from her panicked hands. His
great body was racked with scars.
In
the room, with the wind outside, the bright tree at
the window, he waits for me to speak. He waits while
I suffer; it is a beautiful day; repeatedly my words
rise up and die quick little raging deaths. I think,
if I dont speak now I never will; we will never
speak to one another. I look for a new way. Deprivation
quiets me. His waiting fills the room with a kind of
pitying silence. I give up. My stomach is a fist. He
reaches for me. I accept his body once more. I find
I am, as always, grateful for this temporary reprieve.
They
carry their bags down to the new port. They have a coffee
at the bar, in the wind. The Tour de France is on the
radio: Cipollini is laboring up the hill. A new marina
is under construction. Away over the pale water, the
crane is motionless. At the next bar over, one young
and one old woman sit shelling peas. The ferry crew
plays cards at a nearby table. Everyone is listening.
Cipollini is in the insane last stretch of the race.
One by one, impossibly, he is overtaking all the frontrunners.
The
sky is light, cloudless. Small breezes move about. He
goes for one last swim. I watch him wandering whole
minutes in the smooth restless world, looking. He is
free. Myriad colors glance off the surface of the waves.
Their relentless beauty hammers at me. He is my life.
I want to stop, or change. The Italian radio voice works
itself into a frenzy. Cipollini wins. The knife in my
stomach continues: it is mechanical, insistent, dull.
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